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How Loving Advice Turns Into a Weapon That Kills Relationships

How Loving Advice Turns Into a Weapon That Kills Relationships
From Lifehack - November 16, 2017

Dont be upset. You shouldnt worry so much.

All of these statements are seemingly harmless and are meant to be helpful. But unfortunately, they are not either of those things. In fact, these statements could be construed as dismissive or insensitive. When your partner is already experiencing a period of doubt, the lack of support from you could lead them to even question your feelings for them.

Sharing a problem is sharing a piece of mind

When a person gets more intimate with someone, they are more willing to share their inner thoughts with them. They wont just share how they feel with anyone because its only this someone that they can trust.

So when your partner is sharing their issues with you, they are making themselves vulnerable. When they share things like Ive had a tough day at work, my boss kept assigning me tasks even though I already had a lot on my plate, or I tried to help our neighbor out for her housework because shes sick, and now Im just exhausted, theyre not looking for a solution. They just want to vent to someone who will listen and try to understand.

Wanting to fix a problem is natural

Instinctively, when someone shares with you about their bad day, its human nature to want to help out, especially someone that you hold near and dear. By offering help and support, you are by no means intending to be offensive.

You may say things like you shouldnt worry so much, or from now on I will handle it, or but you shouldnt feel that way, you should just

But sadness doesnt need to be fixed

This sort of problem does not require a solution on your part. Theyre not asking you for one. And saying things like, dont worry about it, is rude and dismissive. This is offering unsolicited advice when your opinion was never asked for to begin with.

Your well intended advice could make them feel belittled, which will make them feel even worse because they are not receiving the support they need. This misleads them to think that you dont care about their feelings, and you dont try to understand them.

Purge the urge, be the rock

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